Author: gvtadmin

Have you just gone through a break up? And are you now wondering how to get an ex back? If so, you are not alone. Virtually everybody has broken up with someone at one point or another. However, most of those people decided to move on instead of trying to get back together with an ex. But, those people aren’t you.

If you are ready to do what it takes and willing to do a little work to get your ex back, then there is hope for you and your situation. To put it simply, being broken up doesn’t mean you can’t get back together.

Even though it may seem impossible right now, in the vast majority of cases, there is no real reason why both parties can’t work through their issues and be a couple again. The key is knowing what steps are needed to win your ex back.

Before you do anything else, it is absolutely essential that you uncover the real reason why you broke up. This is harder than it sounds. That’s because the first few reasons you think of, are likely not the real reasons.

You need to do some digging to get to the underlying causes that led to splitting up. While you can’t go back in time to change things to prevent the break up, you can learn from the past, but only to the degree that you are able to find the true cause of what went wrong.

One single event may have been the cause of your break up. But more often than not it’s a series of events or behaviors that have accumulated until they reached the boiling point that caused you to split. Regardless, it’s going to take some work to get to the bottom of things.

And you have to do so before you can move forward. Sure, you may be able to take shortcuts to get your ex back, but you will only be headed towards trouble again. If you’re going to make an effort to get back together, you may as well do it right and be in a longer term relationship.

The next step to getting your ex back is to not appear as being needy. When you want to get back together, you want to do it now. There is a tendency for people in this situation to wear their heart on their sleeve, and be overly emotional. You will do much better if you appear confident and well-adjusted than if you appear to be an emotional wreck. To put it another way, confidence will be more appealing to your ex than fragility.

Finally, do not play games. A lot of people will tell you to get even with your ex, or try to make them jealous. That’s not only immature, it’s also manipulative and not the kind of foundation to build a renewed relationship on. Also, it sends a strong signal that you are not well-adjusted. Who would want to be with somebody who’s going to manipulate them into doing things they don’t want?

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Are the psychopath, sociopath, and someone with the Antisocial Personality Disorder one and the same?

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Roots of the Disorder
Are the psychopath, sociopath, and someone with the Antisocial Personality Disorder one and the same? The DSM says “yes”. Scholars such as Robert Hare and Theodore Millon beg to differ. The psychopath has antisocial traits for sure but they are coupled with and enhanced by callousness, ruthlessness, extreme lack of empathy, deficient impulse control, deceitfulness, and sadism.

Like other personality disorders, psychopathy becomes evident in early adolescence and is considered to be chronic. But unlike most other personality disorders, it is frequently ameliorated with age and tends to disappear altogether in by the fourth or fifth decade of life. This is because criminal behavior and substance abuse are both determinants of the disorders and behaviors more typical of young adults.

Psychopathy may be hereditary. The psychopath’s immediate family usually suffer from a variety of personality disorders.

Cultural and Social Considerations

The Antisocial Personality Disorder is a controversial mental health diagnoses. The psychopath refuses to conform to social norms and obey the law. He often inflicts pain and damage on his victims. But does that make this pattern of conduct a mental illness? The psychopath has no conscience or empathy. But is this necessarily pathological? Culture-bound diagnoses are often abused as tools of social control. They allow the establishment, ruling elites, and groups with vested interests to label and restrain dissidents and troublemakers. Such diagnoses are frequently employed by totalitarian states to harness or even eliminate eccentrics, criminals, and deviants.

Characteristics and Traits

Like narcissists, psychopaths lack empathy and regard other people as mere instruments of gratification and utility or as objects to be manipulated. Psychopaths and narcissists have no problem to grasp ideas and to formulate choices, needs, preferences, courses of action, and priorities. But they are shocked when other people do the very same.

Most people accept that others have rights and obligations. The psychopath rejects this quid pro quo. As far as he is concerned, only might is right. People have no rights and he, the psychopath, has no obligations that derive from the “social contract”. The psychopath holds himself to be above conventional morality and the law. The psychopath cannot delay gratification. He wants everything and wants it now. His whims, urges, catering to his needs, and the satisfaction of his drives take precedence over the needs, preferences, and emotions of even his nearest and dearest.

Consequently, psychopaths feel no remorse when they hurt or defraud others. They don’t possess even the most rudimentary conscience. They rationalize their (often criminal) behavior and intellectualize it. Psychopaths fall prey to their own primitive defense mechanisms (such as narcissism, splitting, and projection). The psychopath firmly believes that the world is a hostile, merciless place, prone to the survival of the fittest and that people are either “all good” or “all evil”. The psychopath projects his own vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings unto others and force them to behave the way he expects them to (this defense mechanism is known as “projective identification”). Like narcissists, psychopaths are abusively exploitative and incapable of true love or intimacy.

Narcissistic psychopath are particularly ill-suited to participate in the give and take of civilized society. Many of them are misfits or criminals. White collar psychopaths are likely to be deceitful and engage in rampant identity theft, the use of aliases, constant lying, fraud, and con-artistry for gain or pleasure.

Psychopaths are irresponsible and unreliable. They do not honor contracts, undertakings, and obligations. They are unstable and unpredictable and rarely hold a job for long, repay their debts, or maintain long-term intimate relationships.

Psychopaths are vindictive and hold grudges. They never regret or forget a thing. They are driven, and dangerous.

I wrote this in the Open Site Encyclopedia:

“Always in conflict with authority and frequently on the run, psychopaths possess a limited time horizon and seldom make medium or long term plans. They are impulsive and reckless, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, the captives of magical thinking, believing themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions.

Thus, psychopaths often end up in jail, having repeatedly flouted social norms and codified laws. Partly to avoid this fate and evade the law and partly to extract material benefits from unsuspecting victims, psychopaths habitually lie, steal others’ identities, deceive, use aliases, and con for “personal profit or pleasure” as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual puts it.”

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It is the nature of soul to grow, to heal, and to love. As we enter into the world, we emerge as a tiny child. We are open. We do not have conditions placed on us by our parents or ourselves. We have not closed ourselves off from any possibility. It is though the world lay at our feet. We are a bundle of unconditioned purity.

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death, dying, resources, hospice

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It is the nature of soul to grow, to heal, and to love. As we enter into the world, we emerge as a tiny child. We are open. We do not have conditions placed on us by our parents or ourselves. We have not closed ourselves off from any possibility. It is though the world lay at our feet. We are a bundle of unconditioned purity.

As we age, conditions are placed on us to direct us along our paths intended to keep us from harm. Even if we manage to stay out of harms way, we move into a state of stimulus-response reactions toward life. This draws us further and further away from the natural state of pure being we came into the world with as an infant.

How can we return to our natural state of being? How can we call our soul back and gain a sense of spiritual well-being? The following are ways we can return to the wholeness and healing we seek as spiritual beings incarnated into the human race:

1. Do Something Creative.

Creativity engages our heart, our mind, and our imagination. These activities allow us to utilize our whole being. Our attention moves from outer expressions of the world and enters the inner dynamics of living giving rise to our heart and our imagination. When our heart and our imagination are given attention, we enter into the realm of insight. Insight is our ability to see from within just how sacred and magical our lives really are.

In the realm of soul, our humanity becomes sacred. Through creativity we are aware how life flows through us and not from us. The more we identify with these qualities of attention flowing through us, the more we are identifying with qualities residing in us that are whole and healing. It is our natural state.

2. Spend Time With A Child.

Children have a way of drawing our attention away from activities and responsibilities defining us as adults. All a child wants to do in this world is have fun. They seem to never tire of such activities. Children are constantly motivated by play.

As adults, we tend to think of play as wasted time. Adults who lose a sense of play and joy in their lives are in danger of losing self-motivation. The kind of self-motivation I am referring to involves the desire to have fun in life. This can lead to a depressive state lacking creativity, spontaneity, and the heart of a child.

Each of us has the heart of a child within us that never tires. It is the part of us fully participating in and with life. As our imagination and heart begin to guide us over the mind, we are in soul. In soul, our mind is in its proper perspective. This part of us is our inner awareness not bound by the pressures of the world. When we return to soul, the possibility of living whole and healed becomes a reality.

3. Become A Child.

The next time you look into a child’s eyes try to feel their heart. Notice the difference and similarities of your heart and their heart. Is there a difference? Is this awareness a long or short distance from where you were as a child?

What happened to that little boy or little girl inside you? Since we cannot retrieve childhood physically, maybe we can from within. Remember your past as a child – the good times and the bad times. As you look at your life through the eyes of a child, recall how active your heart and imagination were. Embrace it. Let this inner vision penetrate your entire awareness. Let go of your adult interpretations of your childhood and view it with innocence and love.

Our true nature is to live in the world without being fully of it. Inside us are endless avenues that can move us toward the experience of joy. When we let go of our tendency to view the world as right or wrong, good or bad, we leave behind dualism and enter into Unity.

This Unity behind all appearances of diversity is a healing state of unconditional love. It is the part of us bringing all life into being, leading us through life, and what will lead us home. It is the force of nature giving us life. It is our soul.

Samuel Oliver, author of, “What the Dying Teach Us: Lessons on Living”

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Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator’s self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.

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Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator’s self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.

Father’s wartime heroism, mother’s youthful good looks, one’s oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility – are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shriveled kernel of truth.

But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.

Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone – the confabulator and his audience alike – have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth.

This is where the narcissist differs from others (from “normal” people).

His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist’s grandiosity. He fails in his “reality test” – the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn’t dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself.

Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors – sometimes even perfect strangers – must abide by the narcissist’s narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.

The coherence of the narcissist’s dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting “evidence”, defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.

The narcissist’s lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap – when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.

The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life – but life itself.

We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.

Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression – even violent streak – are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter – but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist’s fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu – sometimes with disastrous consequences.

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Home schooling is preferred by some parents. Some parents want to make sure that their child is getting all the schooling needed even though he is staying and learning at home instead of learning inside the classroom. They believe that they are able to control the curriculum better. Moreover, they want to impart their own values that are necessary in molding a child. They are also focused on teaching deeper subjects that they believe are significant to his learning. There is …

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Home schooling is preferred by some parents. Some parents want to make sure that their child is getting all the schooling needed even though he is staying and learning at home instead of learning inside the classroom. They believe that they are able to control the curriculum better. Moreover, they want to impart their own values that are necessary in molding a child. They are also focused on teaching deeper subjects that they believe are significant to his learning. There is also a belief that they can slow down when the child is having difficulty and spend more time on these subjects. In this way, the child has a better chance of learning the harder lessons.

You can be there to guide your child in some topics and issues that could be easily misinterpreted when explained in school by teachers or other classmates. In terms of social interactions, home schooling has developed good benefits. Thoughtful parents nowadays have considered home schooling as a solution to their child’s learning needs. The number of children learning at home is continually increasing. But apart from the benefits, there are also drawbacks.

Let us first discuss the benefits that one can get from home schooling. First and foremost is control, the control on what to learn, what to teach and what to encourage in your child’s mind. Some parents say that some schools, private or public, have a lack of input and control that a parent has over his or her child’s educational needs. Some parents think that they can provide a better standard and quality of education through home schooling. They can teach their children on the subjects and areas which they feel are appropriate for their children to learn. These parents feel there is a lack of quality education in school and that there are many factors that could be the cause of this. These factors could be the curriculum, the teaching staff, as well as the teaching methods.

Moreover, they are afraid that their child is exposed to a wide range of children his own age but with different backgrounds and upbringings. They are afraid that classmates might influence their children have parents who do not hold the same values. In addition, home schooling is less expensive than enrolling your children in private schools which require high tuition fees. Every year tuition fees get higher and these expenses will only increase. For these reasons, some families prefer home schooling rather than enrolling in private schools. They believe that home schooling creates more bonding interactions between the parents and their children. With this, the child may never feel neglected and abandoned in any way.

Some drawbacks to home schooling is that some children can find it quite isolating, so it is important to include some form of socializing for your child. Be it after school clubs or sports. Also, as a parent you will have to be disciplined to ensure your child receives the education they deserve and do not fall behind in any of the curriculum subjects. There will be exams to sit and papers to mark, which have to be submitted for review.
If conducted in a thorough and organized fashion, home schooling can be beneficial for both parent and child.

If you and your significant other are about to break up help is out there to show you how to get it done right. Don’t ever break up with someone over the phone or in a text message. Break up with them in person, preferably in private. Don’t humiliate them by breaking up in public. You will end up having more respect for yourself and although they will not like the fact you are breaking up with them, they will have more respect for you in the long run.

Obviously, if your significant other has a tendency to become violent this advice will not apply to your situation. Stay safe and handle the break up over the phone or in public.

Honesty is important, but if the reason you need break up help is that you have met someone else, keep that information to yourself. Even if they ask, don’t tell them. There is no point in causing them more pain than they feel already. Go ahead and start your new relationship, but do yourself a favor even though you may not want to, try to keep it on the down-low. At least for a while. You don’t want your ex to come at you or your new love in a jealous rage. Make your new memories together in new places, special only to the two of you.

Plan out what you want to say beforehand because no matter how you feel you will be nervous when breaking up with them. Stand your ground. You have made this decision for a reason so stick to it. You will sound less convincing if you try to let them down easy. They will be just as hurt either way so state your reasons calmly and confidently…then run for cover, lol.

When the break up is done, don’t call them for any reason and don’t take their calls. This will only give them false hope and keep the hurt fresh in both your minds. Don’t kid yourself, you will feel a sense of loss after the break up, too. Change the habits the two of you had. Don’t keep going to the same coffee house or restaurants you did when you were together. You might accidentally bump into them and then they might think you were there just to see them.

If you haven’t already met someone new, it’s probably best to hold off on dating for a while. You may have had more time to process the break up than your ex, but you should still give yourself some time to adjust to your new single life. It sounds weird, but even if you’re the one who ended the relationship, you can be vulnerable to a rebound relationship too, so give it some time.

Most people don’t realize that no matter which side of the break up you are on, it’s tough. Unless your ex was a real jerk, you’ll want to find a way to end the relationship as gently, yet firmly, as possible. Following these tips will give you all the break up help you need.

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Hospice care is a phase of care whereby aggressive treatment is no longer appropriate. Palliative care becomes the norm. Patients have been probed physically, mentally, and emotionally. In many ways, patients may be reluctant to any type of care beyond the experiences that led to his/her doctor sharing that no more can be done.

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hospice, death, dying, books, palliative care

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Hospice patients come to our care after being cut, burned, and poisoned. Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation treatment are the normative methods of care for most of the patients who enter a life-threatening disease. Hospital staff members are trained to be aggressive about curative care.

Hospice care is a phase of care whereby aggressive treatment is no longer appropriate. Palliative care becomes the norm. Patients have been probed physically, mentally, and emotionally. In many ways, patients may be reluctant to any type of care beyond the experiences that led to his/her doctor sharing that no more can be done.

The purpose of this article is to claim that much more can be done. Our Doctors and Nurses are trained to help patients receive medication that stabilizes and even diminishes pain and suffering physically. Social Workers are trained to help patients and families deal with emotional, practical, and legal issues surrounding loss and grief. Spiritual Counselors help with the integration of emotional well-being and a sense of faith and hope beyond one’s self-awareness.

There are three aspects of the grieving process I wish to mention in this brief article:

The Heart of Care,

The Heart of Compassion, and

An Awakened Heart

Since I am a Spiritual Counselor for Hospice Care, I will take a spiritual approach to grief care.

The Heart of Care

The heart of care centers it’s attention on the needs of the patient who is dying. Any attempt to move a patient away from his/her authentic character becomes a war of wills. As we listen and care for a person just as he/she is, we are allowing a person to die the way he/she lived. Our ability to meet a person in unconditional love will draw out the desire to be fully known by the patient. Here, we are given opportunities to meet him/her in grace and mercy.

Patients are not a disease. Patients are awakening into soul. Mary was a strong-willed person who did not want to die. She had a strong personality. She had many roles she carried out in life, and she wanted to hold on to them all. She was a mother, friend, wife, among many other roles.

About two weeks before Mary died, she shared with me that she became aware of two identities: one was her strong personality and the other was a presence of peace she could not explain. The closer Mary came to her dying, the more she could identify with wanting peace over suffering. This identity with her soul became more appealing to her than living in a body that was failing her. She was awakening into her authentic self.

The Heart of Compassion

A dying patient gives up so much in their dying that he/she is tempted to hold on to what is left in their life. Even if holding on means more pain and suffering, some patients do try to do so. As care givers, we need to be sensitive to this aspect of a patient’s letting go process. A patient needs support and guidance to simply learn to move from letting go (an act of the will) to letting be (getting into harmony with one’s dying). A person offering care will enter into the heart of compassion by giving a patient space to enter into this process of moving from “letting go” to “letting be.”

As a person dies, their personality will give way to their soul. In the process, a heart is broken. This desire to escape a painful body and embrace peace (one’s authentic-self) is complicated by the desire to remain with those he or she has loved. This built up tension creates a path one has to choose inside them that transcends individual and collective conscious awareness. In essence, this is a matter of survival for the soul. This path moves a person’s soul forward.

Funeral services remind us, it is the soul of a person that draw us to face death and not the deceased body. These services serve as a symbol of transition for the loved one who has died and those reflecting on the life of the deceased. A relationship that once was created outside us and in the body of another person no longer applies. Now, relationships with the deceased are internal and completely within us creating an invisible bond forever linking our awareness to a spacial quality within us drawing those left behind deeper into soul.

An Awakened Heart

An awakened heart knows there is more to life than what appears on the surface.

Dying people lead us to this place where eternal relationships are forged into the deepest aspects of our nature. It is our nature to love and feel love. Even grief has the capacity to deepen our sense of sacredness toward those we love.

A year ago, I gave a talk for the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization in Los Angeles, CA. I was gone about a week. When I returned, my youngest son gave me a big hug. I missed him and he missed me. I could feel him literally fill my heart with love. In a real way, my soul was touched by my son’s soul. An awakened heart knows that this is the heart of relationships.

In the landscape of the soul, what matters in life IS NOT matter. When we begin to look through our eyes and not with them, we enter into a view of life from the perspective of soul. Insight, to see from within, enables us to encounter death with hope, with faith, and with love.

As we grow in our capacity to see from within, we enter into the heart of grief. This emergence into the nature of soul will sustain us through death and into life – eternal. May the Creator of us all give us strength for the journey.

Samuel Oliver, author of, “What the Dying Teach Us: Lessons on Living”